I am sorry that I do not tell you more often how much you mean to me...how very much I love you. I am sorry that I, at times, let life get the best of me and take out that stress on you. I'm sorry for every time you've ever walked in the door and I've let loose with a long list of things that I'm unhappy with and every time I've used my "displeased mom" tone with you. Thank you for loving me anyway, in spite of all my bad habits and bad choices.
I want you to know how very grateful I am to have you in my life. Sometimes, I start thinking about the time in my life before you were someone I knew. Sometimes I felt so alone, so without hope. So worthless. I remember feeling as if no one would ever truly love me the way I'd learned love was supposed to be - without exception or condition, just as I am. I often wondered what was wrong with me that so many men had stopped loving me and walked away. What was the hidden reason they had - the secret joke that I wasn't in on? I couldn't figure it out, but had come to the conclusion that I would probably never be able to trust anyone again.
But you seemed to really like me from the moment we met. I can't claim to have known we would be together from the first, as you sometimes do, but I will say that I had a good feeling about you - your voice was so friendly, and I trusted you right away, although it was against my nature to do so. I had fun when I talked to you...you made me laugh.
When the truth came out about Sunil, I was so brokenhearted. You were one of the people I leaned on...someone I could depend on. I knew that I was completely done with relationships - I had been so sure of myself and, once again, ended up being so wrong. I was so thankful that I had you to turn to for support. When you suggested I just stick with you and forget about anyone else, I truly doubted you'd be able to fix me. But you did. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't had you - don't know how I would have gotten better, or rebuilt my self-esteem. You nursed me back to health, truly.
I don't know when it was that I really opened up my heart, completely, to you - when it was that I allowed myself to out and out love you. I do know this - cliche as it may sound, I love you more and more with each passing day. I never knew I could love someone this much - or trust someone so completely. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for you - ever. You are the person I go to when I really need advice. You are the person I first want to tell about any news I hear. You are my comfort, my love, my home.
Someday, years from now, we'll sit and talk about how different our life was in the early years of our marriage. We'll talk about how young we were, and how we had no idea about so many things that were going to happen in our life, or where we'd end up. We'll talk about the children - how wonderful they were and how wonderful they still are - and how blessed we are to have them. And I'll reach over and take you hand in mine, and lean into you, and sigh, and tell you I love you. And you'll tell me you love me too. I am the luckiest person in the world, because I get to build a life and grow old with you. There is nothing more I will ever need.
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for seeing things in me that I could never see myself. Thank you for believing in me. I hope, in some small way, at least, I can repay you for all you've done for me. I promise to try, every day, from now until forever, if you'll let me. Don't ever leave - I would be lost without you. And I don't want to be as lost as I was before we met - ever again. I need you - with every ounce of my soul. You are half of me.
When I die, if I have a moment (or an eternity) to look back on my life and consider all that's come and gone, I know that you will be the person who loved me best. What an incredible gift you've given me - the gift of you, completely. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I love you a million and six, Milk.
All my love, always,